YOU LOVE YOUR GUITAR MORE THAN ME

My first "serious" Girlfriend, Nancy, once mumbled that accusation at me. Probably because we'd just had sex and then I went and picked up my guitar. Or, maybe it was the other way around... It doesn't matter. Her way of saying: "Goodbye" was to visit, out of the Great Blue Beyond and give me a horrible case of The Clap. My nuts swolled up so badly that the Doctors had to hit me up with a couple million units of Penicillin and then place my Squirrel Num-Nums in what's called a "suspensory." Kind of like a support hosiery looking thang for one's Jubblies. A Tommy Copper "Balls Only" Jockstrap? So I didn't end up looking like this:

I know... "Ow, Ow, Ow! Motherfucker!" Use your imagination. What's the rest of your "life" going to look like if you're carrying your Winter Food Stash around in a wheel barrow? YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING LAID! Of that, I am sure. Unless some VERY weird Fetishist comes along with a very large bottle of lotion.

I digress. REALLY digress.

Nancy, Gawd bless her rotten little soul and its' Young Ann Margret looking skin cover, was hanging around with me way before there was Buckethead.

Now, that Fucker is seriously IN LOVE with his guitar/his music/making records/Etc.. Talk about a "Prolific Artist." The guy releases about one album per month. The only other guy I can think of that works as much as Buckethead is Bill Laswell. Even he's a distant "Second Place." Bill at least "comes up for air" once in awhile. Maybe goes out and has a pizza or a beer or something. Buckethead, on the other hand has both his signature KFC Container and guitar(s) surgically affixed to his body. He: "walks, talks, eats, dreams and shits music." Music, in fact, may also be surgically attached to him, in some weird configuration...

Now, don't get me wrong here... I LOVE listening to this guy's music. I simply worry for his mental health. If there ever was any to be had to begin with. Frank Zappa would have liked Buckethead. Both for his eccentricity and some of the music he doles out like candy from his pocket. I just added his most recent three or four releases to my Spotify Songlists. They're kind of like all the other stuff he does, with different notes. Some people might find that "boring" but I, being the "collector of guitar tones and inflections" that I truly am, LOVE the shit out of it.

So. That's 03.15 here at the Anchovy Ranch. Coffee, cigarettes and Brand New Buckethead. And memories of a morbid fear of having to carry my nuts around in a dump truck for the rest of my days. And Nancy. I could have stayed in bed and ordered room service for the rest of my life with her. So long as there was a Les Paul and a Marshall double stack, a nice effects rack and a good quality recording device of any kind in the next room. Maybe a Tech Guy that showed up once a month to clean cables and fix shit that had melted into the carpet. Just stay the fuck out of the Bedroom, Dude.

Props to TheFanBoy6 for his YouTubeage. When you watch the above shite, you may then proceed to FanBoy's "Channel" and save me the agony of having this set of songs deleted because he throws a fit about me "stealing his setlist" after he's purloined it from Buckethead. Did he PAY Buckethead? I doubt it. Does FanBoy6 make money from the YouTube list? Probably. Go figure. Cyberspace is a confusing connundrum of fetid catshit for an Old Fart At Play, like myself.

Who Loves Ya', Baby?
-Doc