Pete Townshend and Valium go together, I have decided. This morning is a Valium and Pete Townshend kind of affair. My back muscles were tight. I slept wrong or something. It happens. Valium is great as a muscle relaxer and anti-anxiety drug. Much better than any of the alternatives. It is, however, somewhat "habit-forming" if one takes it all the time. The same goes for more innocuous substances...Alcohol, sugar, Baby Back Ribs, you-name-it. I'll take a Valium and Vodka Highball with a coffee back and some Pete Townshend on the box, any day. A Million Housewives can't be "that wrong." Or, am I missing something here?
I got pissed off at the local cable TV company that keeps targeting me for a "re-sell" because I used to have their shitty service and then, when their Head End Technician tried to sell me "a rat's asshole for a wedding ring" (Thank you, Richard Brautigan) one day, switched over to DishTV. He, Mister Head End Up His Ass, claimed that the REALLY OBNOXIOUS 03:00 EBS warnings that happened at three times the volume of whatever was on TV at that wee hour were the fault of The Networks. I know better. I offered to fix his "problem" for $5,000.00. (It's a very simple matter of installing a system wide noise "gate" by the way and would have cost them about $100.00 to fix) Did they "give a shit?' Nah. Suddenlink Communications, Inc. is one of those vulturous companies that buys "distressed markets" and runs them into the ground while all the smart people in the community are going to satellite dish setups. After you switch, they relentlessly hound you with some "fruit basket and a blowjob every morning" deal that lasts about 6 months. Then, it's back to the business of porking the Bejesus out of their customers and "fuck what THEY want." So. What did I "do?"
The Better Business Bureau is a wonderful tool, as are the FCC and the folks at ADA, etc. I am 61 years old, disabled (major back, left shoulder injury) and entitled to a mild case of "porch rage" when these buffoons show up trying to re-sell me. I haul out the index finger in the face and level my eyes over my bifocals very well, thank you. I'm a Professional at berating idiots when they get in my grill.
Besides, I have installed cable TV for the entire town of Logan, West Virginia and don't "buy" any of the horseshit stories Techies tell me. I was a Ground Crew and Sales Guy. I was also a Lighting Designer for Rock and Roll Stage Production and have had to deal with some of the most heinous villains on the Planet in that business. Bad Company's Road Manager, for instance. What a dick. He threatened to "climb my ladder and teach me some manners" one afternoon. I just waggled my 16" Crescent Wrench at him and said: "Come on up, Leather Pants." (He stomped off to find the Promoter to whine to and was told: "Leave my Lighting Guys alone. They're Professionals." I blew him a couple of kisses during the show. I alerted the Stagehands that there might be a ruckus after the show and they all said: "Don't sweat it, Man. We have your back and we don't like the SOB either. We'll take turns shoving him into a disgusting trash can, head first. Or, we could knock him out and stick a lit road flare up his ass." The Evil Stagehands, ya' gotta' Love 'em. "Never mess with the guy wearing Chuck Taylor low-cuts with a big wrench in his pocket." Stagecraft 101.
Almost as bad as Led Zeppelin's Road Manager in the late 1960's, who got his ass thrown down a flight of stairs by Bill Graham one evening. You don't fuck with The Wolfie, Limey Boy. Bill's real first name was Wolfgang, for those "not in the know." He was a Paratrooper with the 86th Airborne at one point in his life. Korea. Not allot of people know that one either. Wolfie was quite the guy. Anybody that actually "knew him" called him Wolfie. I did.
Anyway...Second formal complaint to the BBB regarding Suddenstink. They better pay attention this time. Next comes that smokin' hot Jewish Lawyer from San Francisco with great legs and a low cut blouse. She's on Permanent Retainer, as the result of a late night bar bet that she lost. I would LOVE to unleash her upon the cable company. All they have to do is fuck up ONE MORE TIME. I figure the harassment charge alone is worth about $50k. Dolly will dream up some other good shit to toss on that fire. Somebody's going to lose their job, as well. Fuck 'em. I hear Taco Bell is hiring.
Generally speaking, I am a Pretty Nice Guy. Right up until you lie to me, I catch you and then you lie some more while the LIE is costing me money, which is a precious commodity in my current financial state of relative Poverty. My Peace and Quiet is also at a Premium Price. I make the money thing "work" but, I am a penny pincher. Peace and Quiet gets no similar action and is nearly Priceless. I am also an Expert Titty Whistle Player. "Name Ten American Car Manufacturers and I'll take the Vice Grips off of your nipple." Or, just apologize for the stupid lie you just told me or the invasion of my Peaceful Kingdom. Your choice.
Done and done. The ball is "in their court", as "they" say. Whomever "They" are. The complaint will be sitting on somebody's desk tomorrow. THIS time, I want a written apology from Suddenstink and a letter from the BBB telling me that the issue has been formally and finally "resolved." Will I get those documents? Maybe. The point really is: "Do I have your full attention, now?"
Pete:
Peace, Love and Little Chocolate Legal Hand Grenades,
-Doc
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