I made a "comment" at the TV Station's Facebook Page and continued on to tell one of my own National Park Fuck Up's Stories. The Rotund, Out Of Shape, Gent From Texas and His Coke Can Over The Rim @ Grand Canyon NRA (National Recreational Area) yarn. It's a true story. I also once "spooked" a "Shave Tail" in a Mule Train, nearly sending an entire group of riders and their Wrangler over the edge but, that's a different story... I did exactly what I was supposed to do: Move to the low side of the trail and stand still. The Shave Tail got a severe whacking, which was warranted. Wranglers have little patience for animals behaving badly.
I have worked "just outside of" a few National Parks. That's where: "All the money is" by the way. If you happen to be either a Waiter or Bartender. I was a Waiter. Near Yellowstone, I worked at Flagg Ranch, a "Guest Ranch" owned by some Dimestore Cowboys from Arizona. Awful people. Don't ever work there. One season, I worked Breakfast Shift in the small, old Restaurant, before The Big Fire. I'm NOT a Breakfast Waiter and both "quit and got fired" in the same instant. I went back, as a sort of necessity, a few years later. Management had changed and there were no records of me ever having worked there previously. I got fired that time, too. I ran The Employee Dining Facility and got stuck in Jackson Hole and was late getting back to The Ranch. Not really my fault but, I didn't care either. It got me away from the Asshole I went there with and back to Salt Lake City, where I walked right back into my Old Job as a Pro Fundraiser for Conservation and Social/Political Action Groups. Flagg Ranch/The Asshole Gypped me out of a good bit of my last paycheck, due to the fact that my Uniform Shirts never made it back to the Company and neither had my bedding. I think that The Asshole simply "appropriated" them all. I never saw the guy again, so, it was worth it.
In Grand Canyon National Recreational Area, I worked for the "old" Tusayan Steakhouse and Social Club. Jim, the owner, was a delightful drunk, whom I had the highest regard for. He was The Salt Of The Earth and would almost literally: "Give you the shirt from his back." His Wife (whom was in the process of taking him to The Cleaners in a divorce) was a different story. I HATED THAT WOMAN. Next to the word "Bitch" in Webster's, (to be cliche') there is a photo of her. The "new" Tusayan Steakhouse is a garbage dump of a restaurant and I would NEVER send my Worst Enemy to eat there. I have not been back to G.C.N.R.A. since my tenure in 1985, nor do I have any plans to go back again. It's a Whole New Place, in general. I would be depressed to see Tusayan, a little "town" about 6 or 7 miles south of the South Entrance to The Park. I HAVE, however, "heard the horror stories" from reliable sources and have zero interest in returning. To either Tusayan or G.C.N.R.A.. I've hiked over 1,000 miles in The Canyon in my spare time and seen everything that I ever wanted to in the area. Burnt the T-Shirt.
Anyway... People seem to think of National Parks as their Personal No Penalty Fuck Up Zone. They are the same people that go to Hawai'i and begin speaking to everybody in BAD Pidgin English and flashing "Shaka" signs everywhere they go. They usually end up either being "taxed" ("robbed") by The Locals or being shunned by all except their own ilk. NOBODY wants to hang out with some drunk Asshole from L.A. (or "wherever") in Hawai'i. I didn't. Actually, I was VERY lucky to have fallen in with some really nice Locals and people I worked with through Maui Public Schools. I worked for a Project that was funded by Rockwell International and The National Science Foundation. The Project involved having students design and/or follow Basic Scientific Formulae, instead of reading a book and taking tests. My job involved rewriting all of the Teachers' and Students' Classroom Manuals and making sense of "what had been sent to us by people on The Mainland" that knew absolutely nothing about Hawai'i or Hawai'ians. I was basically "chained to both a desk and a really nice Canon 5 Color Copier," to make Editing and mass quantities of Instructional Materials for schools around the Island of Maui. I got to do a Photoshoot that depicted: "People In Our Neighborhood" as a plus. The Butcher, Baker, Fireman, Cop and Surfboard Shaper. You get the idea.
National Parks. They are, in a few words: "Sanctuaries of Nature and a slice of What This Place Was Like Before White People Fucked It All Up and built Burger King's and Starbuck's EVERYWHERE." I am pretty "White." Mostly Bavarian. I am also part Souix Indian and Ashkenazim." I'd look pretty good, dressed up like a Hollywood Indian. If it's a Mel Brooks Movie. Mel Brooks purposely cast Jewish Guys as Indians because of their noses. It, of course, was hilarious. I always see the character "Fish" (Abe Vigoda) when I look at Hollywood Indians. I don't look like Abe Vigoda, or Mel Brooks. I'm one of those guys that people say: "Really? Funny, you don't 'look' Jewish," about. I don't look Native American, either. Central Casting wold make me a wood chopper on the Von Trask Property. As a child, I "absolutely refused" to go see: "The Sound Of Music." I hated Julie Andrews for years after that. I had also recently discovered that my Stepfather wasn't my REAL Father and didn't want to go on "Visitation Days" with the other kids. But, that's definitely: "another story."
When you visit Our National Parks, please try to be on your best behavior. For the sake of others and your own sake, if not simply out of respect for "where you currently are." National Parks are NOT "Party Places" or "Penalty Free Fuck Up Zones." You are be offered a privilege. Treat your stay as such. Don't throw trash around, try to be a bit quiet (you might actually learn something) and attempt to act Civilized and Respectful. I know "what that means to me" but, you can make up your own version. In your heart of hearts, you KNOW what it means. Listen to that "Little Voice" and turn off your internal dialog for awhile. You will thank me for this, later.
Go For A Walk. Try Not To Puke,
-Doc
Do NOT Do THIS:
I Love Les Claypool and Primus but, I wouldn't want to have someone camping next to me in a National Park, playing their music for days on end. Homicide would intervene, I am sure.
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