1. I don't "care" whether or not I catch any fish. I "want" to catch fish but, I don't get "pissed off" if I get skunked or lose all my tackle. A Wise Man once said: "Fishing ain't about 'catching fish' and that's why they don't call it 'Catching', meine freunde."
2. I bring good music, a good boom box or two Walkmans, with extra batteries.
3. There is always good beer hanging off of the side of the boat or at creekside in a mesh bag. Or, if we're in warm water, it's in the cooler. If it's freezing the snot in your nose, there's always Knob Creek Bourbon or some such. Codeine and/or Valium for The Brave or Suicidal.
4. I always pack explosives. (O.K., I'm kidding.) Fishing with explosives is like hunting Elk with a Sherman Tank. In desperate times however, either does work. If you can get a good Head Shot.
5. I know at least 5 good jokes. All my good friends have already heard them but, they're polite and let me tell them again anyway.
6. I may or not do: "Something really interesting" with a fish. Like: Stick one down my pants and pretend that it's got a death grip on Mister Happy. Or: Bring doll clothes and dress up a Salmon in Barbie's' Beach Ensemble complete with light up nippples and Trailer Park Queen makeup. "The Stacey Keatch Look-Alike Contest" is always a big hit, too. Simple rules...Ram the fishes' mouths into whatever's handy to give it a really nice cleft palate look. Yes, photographs will be taken and framed later for winners. Losers just get an ugly fish. Note: There is NOTHING funnier than a fish in a Tuxedo, smoking a cigar.
7. I will save you if you get drunk and fall into whatever kind of water we're in. I may or may not actually jump into the water to get you but you will get back out and onto the boat or back to shore. Unless there's a waterfall 50' downstream. In which case: "You're Fucked."
8. I will dress for the occasion. I will NOT wear a Mini Skirt, wig, dressy gloves or nylon stockings though. And, fishing in stiletto heels is totally out of the question. Clown costumes are encouraged. No John Wayne Gacy shit though. It creeps out the fish.
9. YOU will have a good time. It is a priority to make sure that one's Guest has a well entertained outing. An interesting scar or two may be incurred. I have been known to make the odd "bad cast" and hook someone's ear, or pants zipper, ass, you name it.
10. Fish WILL die. So, scratch citation #1. At least 1 fish will make it no farther away from the water than a frying pan or whatever cooking device is available. Creekside campfires are ALWAYS a good idea. It also doesn't matter if "cooking" means wrapping Mister or Ms. Fish in aluminium foil and packing it with butter, lemon and garlic before placing the "Tin Burrito" on the boat's exhaust manifold and catching said vessel on fire, sinking us both, losing the catch and dying. It's ALWAYS "A Good day To Die" on the water, salt, fresh, cold, warm, whatever.
O.K., so. Who wants to "go fishing?"
Listening to Maggie Bell, a delightful Scottish Blues Torch Songstress that I have had the pleasure of working with a couple of times, back in the early 70's. She was smokin' hot. She always brought a kick ass band and belted out Blues like Janis Joplin on cocaine and whiskey. Which, was probably the case, anyway. If you were in The Music Business in the early 70's, you were high on cocaine. Extra points for remembering the show. I have done some of my best work while completely out of my fucking mind on this or that recreational substance. I have eaten the Special Mashed Potatoes by mistake and had to work while tripping balls on Owsley's Finest. You just invent an Imaginary Assistant and let him do all the work while you're looking around muttering, "Wow! Huh?" Nowadays, the whole Lighting Routine is on a "card" and the "Guy" is just there in case the automated shit goes haywire and the L.D. has to actually "do" something. "Hey! Why is this Marmot gnawing on my shin and does it really matter? Just keep it away from my new pair of Chuck's. Go away, I'm busy.
Now, if you really want to hear this Gal sing, listen to some of her live recordings, most of which were done while she was living in Germany. Her rendition of J.J. Cale's "Goin' Down" is an ass kicker.
Since posting this yesterday, Maggie Bell's "stuff" has been removed from YouTube due to some sort of Copyright Infringement issue, which I completely understand. Just go to YouTube and search "Maggie Bell." Listen to her music. Buy an album, CD or tape or three. I own LOTS of vinyl. Paid good money for all of it. If there's an "issue," I don't want a chunk of it. For my part, I was simply illustrating a point and providing some quality entertainment, free of any personal monetary gain.
Doc makes NO MONEY from this blog, whatsoever. I merely pass on good stuff to anyone that wants to read this crap. If there's an "issue" with Copyrights, I will back out of the situation like a Jackrabbit with his eyebrows on fire.
"So long and thanks for all the fish!" (Douglas Adams)
-Doc
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