"HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING"

"He knows when you're awake."

I find both of those concepts equally creepy. As in: "Hold onto your nuts, CREEPY!"

How dare you invade my bizarre, somewhat psychotic, very psychedelic, cathartic, nocturnal nuances? My psychological workout regime? FUCK! IS NOTHING SACRED? (I once yelled that, to a raucous response, I might add, during a screening of some awful Midnight Movie.)

Anyway, my dreams are sacred. From all manner of insanities to the banalities of my inner psyche to All-The -Stuff-I-Don't-Even-Remember. Shit, I don't even: "Know what they're about."

One of my Coon-Assed Buddies has had a dream about a Platypus with REALLY nice tits. So be it. I figured it was worth an honorable mention in the Weird Dreams Hall Of Fame.

Dreams are simply a good vehicle for your brain letting you know that "everybody's off their nut." Most well educated, decent, Humanistic Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Mental Health Workers of ANY KIND will give you The Hairy Eyeball upon your pronouncement of "mental health." Trust me on this one: There's no such amminal." We're: ALL STARK RAVING BONKERS!

>Enter Woody Woodpecker, doing the "boing-boing dance, while cackling hysterically."

Back to Santa: "A Convivial Voyeur?" (I had to put my slippers and bullet-proof sweater on for that one)

"Knows" when you're awake? That's a relative assessment. Consider the word: "Awake." Which sort of "awake?" The kind where you're scratching your head, wondering: "What the fuck is really going on?" Or: "Thinking you have a relative grasp upon your mental health?" Or: "Under the influence of 'whatever substances you may have ingested (yes, food, the stench of Civet Pee you may have inhaled, rotting fruit and or a Science Project in your refrigerator, included) and are currently experiencing effects of?"

"Awake?" Bisse Meine. The last time I was truly awake, I wasn't even born yet. Not in Human form.

Television is a disease. Santa watches re-runs of I Love Lucy, Gilligan's Island and Maverick. Constantly.

(Not that those shows are necessarily "bad" or anything. I really like: "Ginger, Mary Ann and, oddly enough, "Mrs. Howell/Lovey") The older I get, the better Old Chicks look.

Those among us that: "Are Santa Claus Watchers" know this shit. Yea, Buddy. "Eyes On." Two fingers to the eyes and: "Back at ya'." Klaus, indeed. In the scope, Baby. (And your Little Dog, too)

WE: "See YOU, when you're sleeping. All your naughty, despicable dreams about: "Who's getting coal (China, mostly) and who gets the cuddly Kitty that pees on your bed when you're not paying attention."

"Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas..." And, may the cat pee on YOUR bed. Or: May you dream of a dog with a Viciously Fanged, Carp's head, chasing a Lemur." (With nice breasts)

Hoist one to your own relative/subjective concept of: "Mental Health!" (Or, just knock the cat around for awhile. It ends the same way. Mostly into some form of weird vapor. It's chemistry.)  

"L'chaim!"

-El Spocktor (My Evil, Cheap Mask, Mexican Wrestler, Doppelganger.)

Note: To totally rip off Austin Powers: "I am a Sexy Beast and: No, "Daddy Wasn't There." St. Nick or otherwise.

"There's a BIG DIFFERENCE between: "Kneeling down and bending over."

F.V.Z: http://youtu.be/li7FZ6E8HOo