Notes On "Amateur Hour"

I NEVER go out on Holidays. Ever. It's a zoo full of amateurs out there. People have tried to: "Drag me out, kicking and screaming to this or that social function" on a Holiday. They always lose. A couple of the Holidays I truly hate, in order of disdain:

1. The Fourth Of July. It's a mating call for every wannabe psycho-pyro-techie/booger-eatin' moron, to either blow their hand off, set a nightclub on fire or cause me to hide in the headphones for the entire evening. I abhor fireworks. Period. I would rather be reading a book in a tent, as far away from people as I can get.

2. New Years Evening. This one is self-explanatory. It's a carte blanche license for EVERYBODY to behave like a complete idiot. "Hey, I'm sorry I punched you in the dick. It was New Years Eve. I was hammered. I thought you were a viciously fanged, dog-bodied carp, with an enourmous penis coming out of your forehead."

3. Halloween. Same reason as above.

4. Thanksgiving dinner(s). The most bullshit Holiday. Ever. A total lie. Anyone with a better than ball-bag temperature I.Q. knows we (European Immigrants) did amazingly horrific things to Native Americans, even back in those days. Maybe "especially" in those days. What The Fuck is there to "celebrate" about that? My personal Family is "off the hook" for that whole shindig. My Mom's Family, her Mom's side, arrived in 1898. Her Dad's Family was in Canada in the early 1800's and there is a Fur Trapper's Sioux Bride in my distant genetic woodpile.

5. My Birthday. I will be the guy that turns into an idiot and no one else is laughing. I turned 60 this past year and there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to let the world know about that. Or, I turn into the 800 lb. Asshole In The Room. Still no laughter. One of my more morbid fears is throwing up in a taxi, or on the Pretty Woman next to me at the bar. I don't like bars at night anyway. Real Men drink in the afternoon and get the Hell outta' Dodge City before the college kids show up.

6. I have no "feelings" about Christmas, either way. It simply doesn't "mean anything" to me. Except that I always wish I was in Hawai'i or Tahiti.

Today, (well, tonight) My Mom is having Early Christmas Dinner for 27 people. There are times when I am so glad that my Family lives so far away (500 miles or so) sometimes and that there are mudslides and road closures that prohibit me from attending. Besides, I'm the Oddball Uncle that almost none of them truly likes anyway. I send my greetings, which are probably never delivered. I get one Christmas card per year, from my Mom. I send her a nice card and a present around January 1st or so, nearer to her birthday than Christmas.

For some odd reason, I woke at 03:00 and decided that some crummy TV and  high quality green tea sounded pretty good. It's The End Of The World on AHC. It used to be called "The Military Channel" but, apparently, that wasn't "Patriotic" enough.

Now, we get: "American Heroes Channel." Some of the stuff that the Discovery Family Of Channels (Or, A&E Family, whatever.) programs is truly bizarre in their notion of: "What sells soap." Which, is what television is really all about anyway. I do, however, enjoy historic film footage with a voice-over of some Wembley tie wearing stooge predicting that: THE END IS NEAR! AGAIN. I have a bumper sticker that has those words on it. It will find a home on the rear bumper of Roo-Roo's Geo Metro, soon enough. So it goes...

So. You guys and gals have your Bad Sweater Parties, get stuck with Tipsy Aunt Clarice trying to slip you That Tongue, fall drunk with Cousin Carol into the buffet table, sucker punch at least one of your Brothers, kiss Mama goodbye, puke in a taxi, etc., etc.. No thanks.

I'll be staying home.

For that Apres Celebratory Malaise, try this:

It's also Today's Morning Music. The whole shebang,  full albums both, Volumes 1 and 2. 

-Doc (Neophyte-Hermit-Cum-Mad-Scientist)